Why Does He Do That? - Lundy Bancroft

Why Does He Do That?

By Lundy Bancroft

  • Release Date: 2002-09-30
  • Genre: Family & Relationships
Score: 4.5
From 199 Ratings


In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that?

You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about:
• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely

“This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health


  • Must read

    By Bhjnmk
    If you’re in a bad situation this book is a must read. It feels so much better to know what is going on and to read the words in a book that are the exact words you have heard from your partner. It will give you strength and clarity.
  • If you're a Christian, don't read this book

    By Greysound5
    This book is horrible. Absolutely the worst. The book has no footnotes and is basically all from the perspective of one man who claims to be the authority on abuse. No references to studies done, only his counseling sessions. Your marriage will result in either one partner subjugating the other, or it will end in divorce. My wife was recommended this book by her counselor. She has said I'm abusive and basically told me I have to 'earn' my way back in. I've never physically abused my wife. Ever. We have arguments, and we both must work on communication to rebuild our relationship, but that's not what Lundy says. Lundy says she gets to yell and scream and blame you and the man is suppose to take it. If the roles were reversed and I yelled at her and said she had to take it, the book clearly lays this out as abuse. Lundy also says the man must realize that he owes a 'debt' to her and he must take several years before she can forgive him. Nothing in this book talks about forgiveness. Nothing in this book talks about rebuilding a relationship through healthy boundaries and rebuilding trust. There are things that must be done to resolve physical abuse, and a counselor should be able to give people help here. And I believe in counseling and the help it can provide. But to my Christian brothers and sisters, please be extremely cautious and hesitant to read this book. If your spouse is not physically abusing you, it's important to evaluate whether you have a communication breakdown or actual verbal and emotional abuse. And remember Mark 10:9, Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (I'm looking at you, counsellors who flippantly recommend this book to clients!!) Lastly, if your wife picked up this book, and starts throwing around abuse at you, just remember Christ died for us and he endured greater than this. He knows what you're going through, and he is the ultimate healer. Save yourself heartache, and read 1 Corinthians Ch 13. Endure the pain and damage this horrible book causes and put your trust in Christ. Pray for your spouse. Pray for healing for your spouse and for yourself. Work to correct your own mistakes even if she buys into this book. And work your butt off to love your wife as Christ loves us. And most importantly, DON'T READ THIS GARBAGE BOOK!!!
  • A Must Read for ALL

    By Jenmor13
    After just leaving an abusive man this book opened my eyes. I like many other survivors made excuses like 'he had a horrible childhood' or 'he bottles up his anger and doesn't know how to handle it' or 'if I just don't push his buttons life will be calm again' and the list goes on and on. There were good times when he was the most loving, tender, kindest man in the world. During those times he made me feel like I was the most special woman in the world. It all seemed so sincere, but then he'd abuse again a short while later. It was a vicious cycle. This book showed me that was all part of his abuse pattern. This book will help you see inside of his head. What you think he's thinking isn't the case. It's nothing like you thought. At least it wasn't for me and I think I'm a pretty average middle class American female. It answered so many questions and misconceptions I had & I fully recommend all ladies read it. Knowledge is power. I hope & pray you read it and find strength and courage to escape. Once I saw what he really thought of me & why he acted that way, I got out quick. And I don't regret leaving, not one bit. I get stronger every day I'm away from him & you will too.
  • Amazing and eye opening

    By Christina lazza
    This book is an abuse bible! Every therapist should have it, should be required to read it. This is the only book I've ever known that explains and really understands the privates of an abuse relationship. This book saved my life and the lives of my kids! Thank you Lundy!!!
  • Why does he do that

    By Maureen Kruse
    Excellent book providing information and validation to all those who have been abused.
  • Opening your eyes

    By sherriean
    Wow, I was so unaware. This is a must read for everyone not just an abused person.
  • Why does he do that?

    By ReadNow
    Outstanding book, a must read for all therapists working in the field today. This book gives clear voice to the story clients are trying to tell.